In 1968 the psychiatrist Stephen Karpman described three roles people fall into when relationships get strained. He called it the drama triangle. Most of us move around it without noticing, at work, at home and with friends.
The roles are not who you are. They are positions you step into, usually with good intentions, and they tend to keep a problem going rather than solve it.
01
The three roles
| Role | What it looks like | How it can sound |
|---|---|---|
| Rescuer | Stepping in, fixing, covering, taking on other people’s problems | “Leave it, I’ll sort it.” “They can’t cope without me.” |
| Persecutor | Blaming, criticising, controlling, keeping score | “Why is it always down to me?” “You never get this right.” |
| Victim | Feeling powerless, hard done by, unable to change things | “There’s nothing I can do.” “Why does this always happen to me?” |
The roles feed each other. A Rescuer needs someone to rescue, which keeps the other person helpless. When the Rescuer runs out, they often tip into resentment (Persecutor) or feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated (Victim). Round it goes.
02
Where do you find yourself?
Think of a relationship that keeps going round in circles.
| Who | The role I usually take | The role they usually take | What it costs me |
|---|---|---|---|
03
Stepping out
In 1990 Acey Choy described a healthier version, the winner’s triangle. Each role has an alternative that solves problems rather than keeping them going.
| Instead of | Try | For example |
|---|---|---|
| Rescuer | Caring: support people to solve things themselves | “What do you think would help? How can I support that?” |
| Persecutor | Assertive: say what you need, without blame | “This isn’t working for me. Here is what I need.” |
| Victim | Vulnerable: be honest about the struggle, and ask for help | “I’m finding this hard. Could you help me with it?” |
Exercise
Next time
The situation where I most want to step out of the triangle:
What I will say or do instead: