Everyone feels frustration, anger, anxiety and disappointment. Emotions are information: they tell us something matters. The difficulty comes when we act on them before we have thought, and say or send something we cannot take back.
The aim is not to stop feeling. It is to create a gap between the trigger and the response.
01
Know your triggers and signs
| Emotion | Typical triggers for me | Early signs in my body and behaviour |
|---|---|---|
| Frustration or anger | ||
| Anxiety or fear | ||
| Disappointment or sadness | ||
| Embarrassment or shame |
02
Pause, check, choose
- PauseNotice the signs. Take a slow breath, step away, or delay your reply.
- Name itPut a word to it: “This is frustration.”
- Check the factsWhat actually happened? What am I assuming? What else could explain it?
- ChooseWhat response would I be glad of tomorrow?
Checking the facts comes from dialectical behaviour therapy. It works because strong emotions tend to fill gaps with the worst interpretation.
Try it on a recent situation.
| What happened (facts only) | What I assumed | Other explanations | What I will do |
|---|---|---|---|
A rule of thumb
Never send a message written in anger. Draft it, then wait an hour.