Many capable people have an inner critic harsher than anything they would say to anyone else. It can feel like the thing that keeps standards high. In practice, harsh self-criticism tends to increase anxiety, make mistakes more frightening and make people less willing to try.
Being kinder to yourself is not letting yourself off. It means responding to setbacks the way a good mentor would: honestly, and in a way that helps you do better next time.
01
What does your critic say?
| Situation | What my inner critic said | How it made me feel and act |
|---|---|---|
Test it:
- Would I say this to someone I respect, in the same situation?
- Is it accurate, or is it exaggerating?
- Did it help me fix the problem, or just make me feel worse?
- Whose voice does it sound like?
02
Respond as a good friend would
| What my critic said | What I would say to someone I respect | What I will say to myself instead |
|---|---|---|
A kinder response usually does three things:
- Acknowledges the difficulty: “That did not go the way I wanted, and that is frustrating.”
- Puts it in proportion: “Plenty of capable people get this wrong sometimes.”
- Looks forward: “What would help next time?”
Exercise
Practice
One phrase I will use when the critic starts: