I’m a little confused, and maybe a tad sad.

Even with all the knowledge and skills in the world, I can’t seem to fathom why (well factually and physically I can) I am in the position I am in, and forced to be thinking about a decision I quite frankly do not want to make.

I have spent the past 24 year doing all of the right things, I am independent, don’t rely on others and by all accounts I’m a pretty kind, half attractive woman with of course a great personality ;) (obviously, I own the last statement).

However regardless of doing the right thing, waiting, and quite honestly not thinking too much about it, here I am faced with having to think about a decision I do not want to make.

So, what am I talking about? I’m taking about making a decision (a huge one) to potentially have a baby on my own. 

Firstly, I want to make it very clear that I do not want to be a woman who is categorised in the media and society as a ‘single mother by choice’. Rather, I would suggest potentially a more accurate description would be a woman who is ‘forced to be a single mother’. 

To put things into context, I have been aware of this ‘issue’ I’d say for the past 3 years of so, however in true Stacy style I have not particularly gave it much attention, I just knew that in the future I wanted children. I was hopeful, optimistic and just thought it would happen one day. I’ve also never felt the requirement to go out and ‘test’ out my ovaries or my eggs to see if they were firing on all cylinders (although there is definitely a peer pressure to do so by other more anxious women), nor have I been particularly broody or jealous of my friends who have subsequently gone on to have children. I have also seen some of my friends go through their own difficulties when trying to conceive yet this has not caused me to rush out and bring forward any of these options which I had buried deep within my subconscious.

Obviously, this is a deeply personal blog, and you may all be asking why I am in fact sharing it. I’ll tell you why – because I know there are many women/men out there just like me and we need to talk about it. We need to talk about it because it is a difficult but absolutely needed conversation that we need to hear and talk more about. Despite talking to many of my friends, many of which are struggling to find, or maintain a long-term connection with another person the only thing I can find when trying to figure this all out for information is a huge amount of talk on ‘single mothers by choice’. Which is a completely separate thing believe me.

I want the partner, I want to be able to plan a family with that person, I thought I had time, I thought it would just happened one day, and here I am aged 40, feeling somewhat forced to potential go it alone. 

I have of course started talking to my close circle of friends about how I am feeling and as you can imagine I have also been discussing my feelings with regards to having to make such a choice when I don’t feel I should have to. But as a woman, this decision is slow slipping out of my own hands and control – mother nature literally has me in handcuffs. I also cannot shy away from the actual possibility that physical it may not even be possible anymore. Having worked in mental health for such a long time, I have always had the view that positivity and hope is an essential component for living the best life, and worrying about things only leads to more stress so I’ve pretty much thought I’d leave it up to fate. Anyways, I digress….. so, my conversations have been met with a wealth of opinions, some good, some bad. Comments such as ‘a child needs two parents, go out and find yourself a man’ and ‘well isn’t this just a ‘if you want something I can have it’ kind of scenario’ - as you can imagine such opinions haven’t been the most helpful when it comes to sorting out my conflicting brain.

I do also find it very strange that some people may think that I haven’t thought that it might be hard, that I may need to give up my career in London and move back home, that I might struggle and feel isolated, that it is a huge responsibility to solely take on. I’m a pragmatic person, of course I have thought about all of this – and yes it terrifies me. Honesty, I am one of the most laid back individuals you can meet, if you are a personality guru, I score within the low range of neuroticism, and I score really high on optimism and positive outlook to provide context, and as valuable as these personality traits have been throughout my life, this stuff scares the s*** out of me (excuse my French, but I’m being authentic). 

I’ve also heard comments which are aligned to gender – ‘now you truly understand why we live in a man’s world – there really is a reason God built men to conceive a child at any age’. So, against my better judgement as I think men are great – I’m jealous, I’m jealous that you don’t have to make this same decision. Damn you.

Now let me address this ‘go out and find yourself a man’. Well what a quest that is, and if only it was that easy. Some might assume I am picky, or alternatively you may think I’m a nightmare/high maintenance. I mean, I like what I like, but I don’t believe being a securely attached woman who doesn’t ‘need’ a man but would ‘like’ one puts me in the second category. I have written previously about dating, it is a nightmare (well maybe that is an over exaggeration) but the last guy I ‘dated’ told me he was divorced, only for me to find out that he wasn’t (he was separating) and that wasn’t even the worse of the situation (I look for the best – he was a wonderful soul). I love unconditionally and with passion, but I don’t love easily – something which I am proud of, and something which has enabled me to not just settle, but instead want the best out of my life, and any lover/partner. I don’t feel I have particularly ‘high expectations’ nor am I ‘overly demanding’ and as an expert in perfectionism I do not feel it meets any such criteria either. I have had some great relationships in the past with some great men, I have dated some wonderful men who in fact I have remained close friends with but for whatever reason it simply hasn’t worked out. I’ve been on the whole okay with this and happy that as people we have moved on to have a greater sense of happiness. 

On the whole, my life is perfectly okay. Of course, authentically, life has its peaks and troughs and things happen at times when you rather they didn’t, but generally life is pretty good. If mother nature was not banging on my door, I’d be pretty content with just living each day of my life as I have and would be pretty content. BUT, and it is a big BUT, I categorically want children. I am great with children and quite frankly I feel that if I do not become a mother it would be an incredible shame. I know I will be a great mother and if that means going it alone, I am pretty sure that I will be okay. I guess others in the world may say I’m being selfish, or that I don’t ‘need’ children. But I raise my middle finger to you (sorry). 

It is also hard figuring this all out – it takes bravery and I’m not sure I’m there yet. You cannot underestimate how this feels, how making these big decisions feel when you don’t have someone who is beside you. It’s not just a ‘social norm’ or ‘ideology’, to me, my values are heavily invested in family, and I 100% believe in love, friendship and partnership.

I have also been put off whilst doing my research. Me and a friend did some google searching on ‘sperm donation’ and I got massively weirded out by the fact that most donors are ‘very’ young and still students. Whilst this has been met by friends with ‘at least it is healthy sperm’, I have to say I never imagined that the potential father of my child would be an 18-year-old student. It just feels wrong – but unfortunately there are not many people of my age that fit all my usual criteria in a partner on such sites. I’m really struggling to get past this and as you can guess this is a huge part of the process – what if I cannot get over this?

Back to dating – I know I’ve checked out. I know that I should get back in the game, but I just feel that I just no longer want to put myself out there anymore. I have dating fatigue and I’m disillusioned by my experiences (I know I’m not alone here). I am also under no illusion that my dating possibilities will decline to almost zero whilst potentially pregnant or with a baby. It is like cutting your nose off to spite your face, sacrificing one part your life for another – yet I’m realist I’m acutely aware I cannot have it all. Plus, as many point out, when having a child you will often have to sacrifice your life for theirs. As I sit here and type my truth, I’m also very aware that it may even put off my chance for a relationship right now, as I will be labelled as a woman who has a biological clock ticking. Very attractive I am sure to those I am wishing to attract. Strangely, having a baby is not something I remotely think about when dating, it is not my first tick box, in fact it isn’t probably in the top 10, maybe this is where I have been going wrong!

Anyways, maybe I’ll report back on what happens next, maybe I won’t, maybe nothing will happen and I will leave it to fate. 

May the force be with me.

S